Tuesday, June 24, 2008

To Gift Or Not To Gift...

morning everyone! your friendly neighborhood PCD is here and i'v got an opinion question of you all.

first let me say that i am an extraordinary gift giver, if i say so myself. i pride myself on taking real time to decided upon gifts that speak to the receiver, reflect their tastes and stand out. my gifts usually have multiple components and i always customize/personalize at least one of them. with that said, this aspect of my gift giving usually gets me in trouble. well, not literally...but trouble in the sense of being upset when people do not even think of me in the most basic of gift giving etiquette.

example...a college "friend" of mine was having a baby. we barely talk (or email) and only got reacquainted when she found out i was having a baby. we do not live in the same state. when it was almost time for the baby to be born, i got an invite to her baby shower. now of course, it was terribly (and shamelessly) a ploy for a gift because everyone knew full well i would not be attending the shower in 2 weeks from this far away. i mean, she's not my bff or anything. so while i started constructing my gift basket for her tike, i stopped dead in my tracks. when i had my baby i didn't get so much as an e-greeting saying congratulations. sure there were emails sent and they said how cute lil PCD was...but that really was just them being nosey wanting to see what she looked like. as i thought about it, i was bothered because people KNOW how much i put into gifts that i give. and i started to get angry. needless to say, i did not send a gift.

my decision bothered me because i actually enjoy giving gifts, especially for babies because i shop at boutiques for one-of-a-kind items a lot. i like to give things no one else will have given at the party (like what happened at my shower, i got 3 of the same thing-bleh!). i love to see that people's faces or hear their reactions. i take a lot of time finding things to comprise the gift so i really like hearing that the receiver likes it. now as of last week, i found out another "friend" just got engaged. she didn't even tell me...i found out on facebook and it was verified by word-of-mouth. now all of the sudden, i get an invite to the bridal shower...again, we are not in the same state, and she's bff's with the other person i just mentioned.

or like my cousin who i mentioned in previous posts...when my baby turned one, you'll never guess what she got her. she got a pair of jeans and a plain white long sleeved shirt. i understand that people's taste vary, but COME ON! but the kicker was that when i went to return it to the store, there was no gift receipt or tags so i had to ask her where it came from. she says target. so why when i went to guest service did they tell me that they only cost $3.30!?!?! TOGETHER!!! both items were on clearance and they cost THREE FRIGGIN DOLLARS???? and of course, for her babys b-day, i got her a basket with learning toys, an ABC caterpillar, a dress, some books, stuffed animals and had balloons tied to the handles

i'm like-WHY!?!? why do people think i'm so dumb? the sweet side of me wants to send something anyway cuz like i said, i love shopping for gifts, especially ones that stand out. but why should i? i'm starting to alter my thinking to the ideal that people should receive gifts from me because they "deserve" it, not just because i like giving them...

i struggle with this because i do not have (active) fair-weather relationships in my life. i just don't function like that. sure, people try to pull me into their fake associations, but i do not treat people like that. if we don't talk on a regular or semi-regualr basis, then don't reach out to me when its your birthday or wedding. i think that's fake. if when i got married and had my baby, you were only there to email your nosey picture requests, then don't send me invites to your crap in hopes of a gift. even someone really close to me is like that with their family...they don't talk unless its a holiday or event like birthday or someone's party. who DOES THAT?



Queen of My Castle said...

I can somewhat relate to your situation. You have every right NOT to send a gift, especially if you feel as though you are merely being used for such. I can't tell you what to do, but I have learned how to just cut people off when I feel as though they have insulted my intelligence in any facet. I wouldn't send a gift...but if you want to kill them with kindness, so be it.

In regards to your previous post, I often marvel at how many people envy pretty/beautiful women. I think they, the pretty ones, have it harder because everything they do is scrutinized to no end.I call it the plight of the pretty.

The F$%K it List said...

I have to agree with Queen. Gifts should be given because you want too. Especially if you take the time to give from the heart.

I don't give gifts to people when they are searching for them. It's just not my style. If I haven't seen/spoken to you in 5 years and you send me an invitation, I will send a congratulations card and keep on my way.

Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

Hey Sistah PCD

I understand how you feel...unfortunately everyone just doesn't think the same....It sounds like you get pleasure out of giving gifts...and it is written that it's better to give than recieve...I would suggest that if you continue to give...give without expectations....(this is what God spoke to me once and I've tried to adopt that mentality)....I think in doing so you will not be set up to be disappointed....you don't give because you want a bigger gift the next time...you give out of the kindness of your heart...and the enjoyment of seeing a smile on someone's face...do you....but know that people will do them...no expectations...equals...no disappointments!

p.s. If you really don't feel it in your heart to give a gift than maybe you shouldn't...gifts come from the heart...Let your heart lead you on this one.

TravelDiva said...

I wouldn't give a gift. I give nice gifts and I've been burned too many times. I know it's more blessed to give than to receive but some times people take advantage.

I had the same college roommate for 3 years. We were super close. I was in her wedding with all of the expense of that and gave her a nice sum of money as a wedding gift. Time passed, and she had a baby shower. I couldn't make the shower, but I sent an expensive little wagon with various toys and the baby's name on the side. (This even though she had kind of been ghost in the friendship after she got married). I don't even think I got a thank you card. So when I threw my housewarming, I sent her an invite--you know she said she couldn't come because she was 5 months pregnant and didn't want to drive and THEN NEVER SENT A GIFT.

I have other stories, but my new motto is, I give to those in my life and if I give to those who are not really in my life--I have to give just out of the goodness of my heart and not be worried about reciprocity.

And LOL on $3.30. Umm--you remember the post about my aunt regifting the wedding candle to my mom? Cheap *ss relatives.

Sexxy Luv said...

I think you are doing right by not sending gifts to those ladies, like you stated they are not your bff's! YOu can acknowledge them by sending a card. lol

PCD (Pretty Circle Drawer) said...

@ queen...heeeeeeeey! i think you hit it on the head. it just bothers me tho cuz deep down i enjoy it...but not if i feel used. also, i must agree with you. its like if a chick has a pretty face, don't let her have something a little off like unattractive feet or well-worn clothes cuz she'll be picked to pieces!

@ F-it...how trifling can you be to send an invite like i won't figure out what you really want? especially because we are thousands of miles apart and barely speak...its so insulting

@ keisha...i hear you. and i have to problem whatsoever giving gifts to people without expectation. i have issue with people actively seeking gifts from me and taking advantage of how i do things. to my real friends, i give to them all the time for reasons or no reason at all (and a lot of them do not) and i'm very cool with that. but because they are dear to my heart and life, i can. but if you are clearly a hanger-on trying to use me, i have issue with you. just my view

@ traveldiva...just like me. going all out because you are really excited for the person...but you can't get a small token for yourself when its your event? i certainly don't expect to receive gifts like the ones i give, but if i can't even get an e-greeting or a real card OR thank you, then you will be cut off from the gifting.

@ sexxy...i do beieve thats what i'll be doing...this is ridiculous that people can be so thoughtless...except for when it benefits them

Kitty said...

Don't give them a gift! And certainly don't feel bad about it! You're not obligated to give them anything. These people don't seem to have the courtesy to get gifts for you or your daughter or at least break a $20 bill in the process. Sounds like they're using you for what you can give them. And that's not a good look for them.

I would go through that with a few former friends of mine. I'm not really much of a gift giver but instead I like to take people out to fabulous places they've never been or somewhere they've been wanting to go for a while and do it up like that.
So it usually begins with shopping for a new out fit then the outing. Their birthday's roll around and we have a ball.
My birthday rolls around and they're full of excuses. Now I can understand financial burdens and all but I would have just been happy with a card, some cheap wine, and playing some cards with me.

Now? Puh-Leez!!
They might get a phone call if they're lucky.

I'm just saying, it's the thought that counts and if they're not thinking about you, then hey..

12kyle said...

Just give to give and assume that you'll get nothing in return.

Do what I do...i give gift cards. That's perfect for churren.

Product Junkie Diva said...

My two cents- send a card and say best wishes. That will blow her mind, especially since you are probably known for giving great gifts..lol
Now looking at it from another perspective, you take great time can care to prepare a gift perhaps the people you have spoken with feel that they show how much they care in other ways...who knows....lol just trying to help.
Product Junkie Diva

The F$%K it List said...

It is past insulting! I say send a card (go get that nice Obama card, hehe) say congrats and send it on.

I could see if it you spoke to her twice a month, I'd say go get her one little thing but to go all out for someone you know from a past life is not worth it.

Dreamy said...

no you are not being harsh.

you treat people the way you want to be treated, and you expect the same in return. so i can understand your disappointment when your baby gets a 3.30 shirt and pair of pants.

some people are just freaking selfish. they expect so much and wanna give so little in return.

do what you feel is best for you mami. i would only give to the people who give to me in return.

Foia said...

No I don't think you are being harsh about not sending a gift. They are wrong.

But it bothered me that you were upset at the jeans and shirt that your cousin bought you..and you actually tried to take it back..that hurt my feelings.. and i'm sure it hurt you even more when you found out it was only 3 dollars...don't take gifts back from now on...

And you are a very caring person..and people w/ F with you cuz of that..screw them...

PCD (Pretty Circle Drawer) said...

@ kitty...say it like it is then! agree with everything you said ma'am!

@ kyle...gift cards aren't my style but thanx for the suggestion-lol!

@ pjd...they don't ever have anything to do with me...until they have an announcement, so they don't show me anything except hands out, so i will send a card, probably an e-greeting :-P

@ F-it...past life is right. college was eons ago...and we don't even have each others numbers. all this (rare)correspondence is done via the internet

@ dreamy...yeah, i can't continue to go all out for people who don't give a rat's butt worth of effort to KIT. see, the thing is that i don't KIT with them because i've accepted we aren't like that and life went on. i never reached out to them...even when i had my events, they heard thru the grapevine and were nosey enough to try and hunt me down...so i'm not beat to correspond with them anyway

@ foia...why did it hurt your feelings? it didn't hurt mine, it just pissed me off! that gift was as thoughtless as thoughtless gets. 1) it was too small (which i think is thoughtless because if you're going to get clothes (which i prefer people NOT to do) you should know what size and style. if you don't know me or lil PCD well enough to now what she wears, get something else...and 2) it was obvious that it was something she got for her kid, took out of the drawer and threw in a bag because as i stated, there were no tags or receipt. that was insulting to me and my kid for real.

Foia said...

Ohh..I see..I didn't know it was a regift..I just thought it was something you didn't approve of. My bad..and hurt my feelings like..maybe she really tried to be thoughtful. Not all gifts are going to be fab like yours are. Me I would be thoughtful and break my bank for a gift if I didn't have it..I hope I didn't make your pressure rise...*Hugs*

Beautiful said...

I stop giving gifts to people who don't really know me. I got a Micheals gift card cause they thought that I like Micheals when I really like Hobby Lobby. One of the girls knew that I always had a supply of HL coupons. Then came the weddings and baby showers I did get someone an outfit and Baby Einstein for her. She gave me for Christmas a bar of chocolate. WTH?? So I decided not to buy gifts for people that I don't really know or have done past transgressions. Don't get me started on Secret Santa gifts!!